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De Novo part 13

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De Novo
part 13
Chapter contains no TOS violations

A ray of sunshine touched Raphael’s eyelids and disturbed his sleep.

At first he didn’t know what was messing with his pleasantly comfortable slumber. Without coming to full consciousness, Raph waved a hand in front of his face in an effort to chase away the annoyance.

When that didn’t work, he started to roll over but found his movement stalled by some large object pressed against his carapace. Trying to turn in the other direction brought a sleepy groan of displeasure to Raph’s ears.

Raph’s eyes popped open and the activities of the previous evening came rushing back to him. Along with that was the realization that he’d fallen asleep in the cabin and that the sun was coming up.

“Oh crud, I gotta go!” Raph exclaimed, bolting up from the makeshift bed he shared with Slash. “It’s morning!”

Slash slowly sat up, his eyes riveted to the young turtle who ran back and forth in front of him as he gathered his gear.

“Each time you leave I fear I won’t see you again,” Slash said quietly.

The words stopped Raph’s mad rush and he swiftly leaned down to hug his partner. “I’ll be back,” Raph told him. “You know how things are right now, but they won’t always be this way and then we can stay together.”

As he pulled out of Slash’s hold and straightened, the larger turtle said, “I will try to be patient while you search for a solution. It is hard though.”

“I know,” Raph said, his expression warm with longing. “For me too. I . . . I gotta do what’s best for all of us.”

“And how will you persuade your brothers that I am what is best for you?” Slash asked.

“I just need to find the right time,” Raph said. “Everybody’s feeling too vulnerable but it ain’t gonna last. When we get right again and can go find Master Splinter, then I can convince them you should be part of the team.”

“Perhaps you are correct,” Slash said as a thoughtful look crossed his face.

“Yeah, don’t worry. I know my bro’s,” Raph assured him. “I have to book. I’ll try to come back tonight.”

“I will be awaiting your company,” Slash said, watching as the young turtle sped out of the cabin.

Raph ran with breakneck speed towards the farmhouse, mentally calculating the hour. Though he couldn’t spare the time, he still made a quick stop at the pond, tossing his gear on the ground and jumping into the cold water to remove the residue and scent from the previous evening’s activities.

It felt like it took an eternity to put his leg wraps back on and once that was done, he finished gearing up on the run. The sun was just breaking the horizon so it was very early morning still and Raph had hopes that he’d get back before anyone was up.

He was right on the edge of the woods near the farmhouse when Raph came to a sliding stop. From where he was Raph had a good view of the front porch and could see Leonardo standing there, looking around as though searching for someone. Most likely Raphael.

Under his breath Raph muttered a few choice words, the kind that would surprise everyone because they wouldn’t have thought he knew them. There was no way to get to either the farmhouse or the barn without Leo spotting him, not when his eagle eyed brother was on high alert.

It was time to come up with a story that would not only cover his tail now but also account for any of his past behaviors that Leo had grown suspicious over. Excuses and belligerent silence wouldn’t cut it; those things might make Leo decide to go into the woods in search of his own answers.

One thing that he knew would work was garnering the sympathy vote. In order for that to sound authentic Raph would have to admit to a weakness, something he was loathe to do. He felt like that would work though, because Leo was already worried that Raph was growing impatient with the status quo. All Raph had to do was feed into the belief Leo already held and quell any residual curiosity that might send the eldest into the woods.

There wasn’t time to think of anything fancy so Raph grabbed at the one thing he’d already alluded to in a conversation with Leo. Squaring his shoulders and taking a deep breath, Raph walked out of the woods and approached the farmhouse.

His appearance immediately drew Leo’s notice and the older turtle came down off the porch so fast it was hard to see a trace of his limp. It was visible as Leo crossed the open yard to meet him though and not for the first time Raph wondered how much of Leo’s injury was in his mind.

“You told me you wouldn’t go anywhere without letting someone know you’d left,” Leo said accusingly.

Raph bit his tongue to hold back the type of answer he’d usually meet that tone with. There was no benefit in responding angrily and a lot to lose.

“I left early, before anyone was up,” Raph said. “I didn’t want to wake the household ‘cause I figured I’d be back before anyone crawled out of bed. I was only going for a run and a swim.”

“Something could have happened to you and we wouldn’t have known until it was too late,” Leo responded hotly.

Once more Raph held back from his natural inclination, mentally biting his tongue and counting to ten. When he saw the furrow begin to form between Leo’s eyes, Raph knew he was throwing his brother off his stride.

When he finally chose to answer, Raph did so in an uncharacteristically soft timbre. “Leo, arguing like this ain’t doing either one of us any good. I’m tired of keeping secrets.”

“We wouldn’t be arguing like this if . . . wait, what?” Leo asked as not only Raph’s words but his tone cut through the elder turtle’s anger. “What secrets?”

Raph huffed breathily, his eyes turned down towards the ground. He lifted a hand to rub at his arm, his entire manner one of acute embarrassment.

“You know how I said I needed some alone time ‘cause being cooped up was making me twitchy?” Raph asked, glancing up to look for some acknowledgment. When Leo nodded, Raph continued. “When we were talking about sensei you let me see how worried you are that we can’t pull this family back together again. You said you needed my help but I already knew that. I knew it the day you got hurt and I knew it every day that I waited for you to wake up again.”

“Raph, I . . . .” Leo began.

Lifting a palm, Raph indicated that he wasn’t finished speaking. “No. Just hear me out. I ain’t cut out for leading and we both know that. I’m doing the best I can, but worrying about the city we call home, and about Father, and all of you, it’s been getting to me. I’ve been doing stuff I normally wouldn’t do; handling the stress in unhealthy ways. I didn’t want you to know. You don’t need my problems on top of everything else.”

“What kind of ways?” Leo asked carefully.

“Leo, you gotta promise that this stays between us,” Raph said, staring hard into Leo’s eyes.

“Of course I promise,” Leo said, and then quickly added, “Unless it’s something the others have to know.”

“Well it ain’t,” Raph said with a touch of belligerence. “It’s . . . private.”

“Then you have my word,” Leo promised.

In a rush, Raph spit out, “I’m the one who’s been taking food. I go out in the woods where no one can see me and binge eat.”

His brother stared at him for a moment, totally speechless. When Leo finally did react, it was to sputter incredulously, “You have an . . . an eating disorder?” That was clearly not what he had been expecting to hear.

“No . . . yes . . . I don’t know, maybe,” Raph said. He didn’t want his white lie to be an anchor around his neck for all eternity, he simply needed something that would effectively cover his tracks with regards to what was really going on.

It seemed to be working. Leo’s pique at finding Raph absent from the farmhouse had faded, replaced now by confusion. “Well which is it?” Leo asked.

“I ain’t got anything to hit,” Raph said. “Watching TV is boring, practice is only satisfying up to a point. We don’t know any more about what’s going on in the city than we did when we left. Everything is up in the air and it’s . . . frustrating.”

“You could have talked to me about this,” Leo suggested.

“I did, only it was back when you were unconscious,” Raph said with the hint of a wry smile. That much was true. “I haven’t wanted to say much lately ‘cause you have your own stuff to deal with. It started out simple enough; I’d grab some leftovers and go out in the woods to sit and think. Having the food kept my hands busy. Only problem is that when I eat my brain shuts off. Instead of thinking I just go numb. I started to like that feeling so I kept doing it.”

“How long . . . ?” Leo asked.

He didn’t have to finish the question because Raph knew what he was asking. “Not long. Only a few days actually. I go at night or early in the morning. Afterwards I swim to get rid of the smell of food and to burn off what I ate.”

Raph eyed Leo, trying to gauge if his brother was buying the story. Leo seemed to be thinking about it, so Raph decided to make it more believable by adding, “All of us have crutches bro’. Don works on his inventions long into the night, Mikey stays glued to the TV, and you’ve been known to spend the whole day practicing. I ain’t excusing mine, I’m just telling you what’s going on.”

“I thought the extra time to yourself was to help with the frustration,” Leo said.

“It does help with that,” Raph assured him. “Running gives my body something to do, but my mind starts going over everything that’s happened to us. I want to fix all of it but I can’t, so I start stressing.”

“My injury adds to that stress, doesn’t it?” Leo asked, starting to sound remorseful.

The last thing Raph needed was to send Leo off into a guilt trip. “This ain’t about your leg, get that through your head right now. It’s about me and the way I’m dealing with stuff while we’re stuck out here in the boonies. Turning my brain off for a while helps, but the way I’m doing it ain’t the best.

“I could have come up with some story and you wouldn’t have known the difference,” Raph continued, “but I decided I don’t want to be dependent on food to make me feel better.”

Leo glanced down at his own injured leg and then looked back up at his brother. “I don’t want to be dependent on this either. I think it’s too easy to make this my excuse for not moving from here.”

“So what do we do about this?” Raph asked, feeling as though they were on the edge of a breakthrough. He hadn’t anticipated that his lie would be the catalyst for some sort of epiphany, but Raph was happy to take advantage if that was the case.

Leo’s gaze turned from his brother and slowly drifted towards the wooded area behind him. “All of us have become too dependent on things we didn’t have when we were growing up,” he said thoughtfully. “It isn’t really the lure of technology or our own personal endeavors though, it is how we’ve allowed those things to pull us off the path we were meant to follow.”

“You’re saying we’ve gotten distracted,” Raph said.

“Yes.” Leo brought his eyes back to Raph. “We came here to escape and re-group, to heal our bodies, our minds, our spirits. What have we actually accomplished?”

“That’s a good question, Leo,” Raph said, his focus completely on their discussion. All thought of his relationship with Slash was pushed aside in favor of helping Leo find a solution to their dilemma. “We can spend a few hours training every day, but afterwards things fall back into the same rut.”

“It’s too easy,” Leo repeated slowly. “Too easy to let technology and creature comforts lull us into a state of acceptance. We can’t be ninjas if we don’t find a way to overcome our dependencies.”

Behind them they heard the sound of a cupboard being closed and pots rattling against each other. Someone else was awake and it wouldn’t be long before everyone was.

“What would Master Splinter do?” Raph asked as he studied Leo’s expression.

Leo’s lips twitched into a slight smile. “He’d tell me to meditate on the question and the answer would come to me.” The smile faded. “It hasn’t though, I’ve tried. My mind feels like it’s on an endless loop, it keeps replaying those last few hours in the city and coming around to the six of us here. I see everyone doing their own thing and none of it moves us any closer to fixing things. After that I start to think about my leg and then my meditation shatters.”

“Donnie says it should be all healed up,” Raph told him. “He says you aren’t doing the strengthening exercises like he instructed. Why is that, Leo?”

“I don’t know,” Leo replied, shaking his head. “One minute I think my leg’s fine and I can do everything I used to be able to do. The next minute I’m feeling a twinge of pain and I’m on the ground. Part of me doesn’t want to spend time on the healing process because it seems like that’s a sign of weakness.”

“Or maybe you’re just sabotaging your own efforts,” Raph suggested.

Leo frowned. “Am I? Raph, do I not want to heal because I’m afraid that I can’t lead us back to the city? Do I fear what we’ll find or . . . or what we won’t find? Not going back to the city means we’ll never know what happened to Master Splinter. Maybe it’s easier not to know than to find out the answer is something we can’t accept.”

Raph reached out and gripped Leo’s shoulder. “A couple of nights ago you told me that we’d know if Master Splinter was gone. I believe that, bro’. We’d know. The Kraang and Shredder ain’t got any right to take our father from us and they ain’t got any right to mess up our family. They gotta pay for trying to do that.”

Once more Leo rewarded Raph’s words by flashing him a small smile. “Maybe that’s what I need to do, find the emotion inside of me and channel it into something productive. We may find your anger unsettling at times, but I’ve always secretly envied how it focuses you.”

This time Raph smiled too. “Hey, anger’s my thing. Find your own emotion.”

Leo straightened, his demeanor that of someone who has come to a decision. Raph’s hand dropped away from his brother’s shoulder as he waited to hear what that resolution was.

“It’s not going to be fear,” Leo announced with determination. “I’m done with second guessing myself. Master Splinter has been trying to teach me to not only trust my instincts, but to understand where they come from.”

“You got a plan for how you’re gonna do that?” Raph asked.

“I’m going to start by spending some time by myself,” Leo said as he once more looked towards the tree line. “Out there.”

“In the woods?” Raph’s heart jumped. He absolutely didn’t want any of his brothers to start exploring the woods, most especially Leo. His older brother might inadvertently stumble across something that would lead him back to the cabin.

“I’ll take my bow and arrows and try to do a little hunting. I can practice my stealth and maybe get us some fresh meat for dinner,” Leo said. “Can you take the morning practice session? Let April and Casey work on something simple, but push Don and Mikey. Work them so hard they’ll forget projects and television shows.”

“Sure,” Raph said, his mind in a whirl as he tried to think of some way to keep Leo away from the area around the cabin. Nothing he could come up with would do the trick without giving away the fact that Raph had another secret.

“Thanks,” Leo said as he headed off towards the barn where his bow and arrow kit was stored. “I’ll be back before nightfall.”

Raph watched him go. His little white lie had gotten him out of hot water and directly into the fire. Leo was determined to find himself in the woods and nothing would talk him out of it. Slash was hidden in a cabin in those same woods in order to stay out of sight of Raph’s brothers and Raph had no way to warn the large mutant because he was tasked with the job of babysitting.

Not only that, but the binging lie had also ensured that Raph wouldn’t be able to take supplies to Slash anymore. Even if Leo didn’t learn of Slash’s presence, the blue banded turtle would certainly be monitoring their food stockpile in the future.

Mikey’s laugh rang out from the farmhouse and alerted Raph to the fact that everyone else was now up and around. He heard Casey say something in a teasing tone, followed by April’s tinkling giggle.

Raph felt a wave of resentment rise in his gut at those happy sounds. While he and Leo struggled with their own personal demons, the four in the farmhouse behaved as if they didn’t have a care in the world.

Balling his hands into fists, Raph stalked towards the kitchen door. This morning they were going to find out what a reality check felt like. Raph would see to that.

TBC…………….
De Novo
part 13
by: hummerhouse
Disclaimer: The TMNT are not mine. No money being made.
Word Count: 3,068 multi-chapter 2k12
Summary: So many things in Raph's life have changed, some for the better and some not. There is one change though that he dwells on more than others and the chance to begin again is hard to ignore.
Part 13 Rated PG-13
~Some parts contain yaoi

NOTE: Due to this site's limitations, chapters 8 thru 10 and 12 have been posted to LiveJournal and to AO3.

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4evrAllfand0ms's avatar
Shit's going down! 😦